sometimes i’m really hard on myself. i have this standard in my own mind that i want myself to meet, and when i fall short i tend to beat myself up about it.
for instance, i try my best to hold myself in a way that is mature and womanly. when i find myself acting like a child or doing silly things in front of people that aren’t silly, i get flustered. even to a point where i become completely closed off to the person.
it all has to do with comfort and how comfortable i am to be free in someone’s presence and to be free as my own person. i mean, i can’t always put my lack of freedom on someone else. its my own fault.
am i my own person? have i developed enough to be firm in who i am? i know for a fact that i have growing to do, as does everyone else, but sometimes i wish i was at a place where i was sure of myself. i was confident in who i was. i’m surely on my way, but can the process be sped up just a little bit?
yeah, i’ll cut myself some slack. i graduated high school a year ago. i’m turning 19 in 2 months. i have so much time ahead of me to grow and to mature as an individual. i get all of that. i understand.
i just want to experience. they say your experiences and where you have been really shape you and who you are as a person. perhaps i spent all of my ‘experience dollars’ as a kid when i traveled and did crazy things on a whim. i used to be so spontaneous. i used to feel free to meet people and engage in real conversation with total strangers. i used to seek out opportunities for myself to grow. i used to willingly put myself in uncomfortable situations to push myself mentally and socially.
what happened? now i just sit at home and follow through with normal routine. i have one friend and if she is busy i’m usually alone or with the kids i nanny. every week is the same thing: wake up, work on music, drive to the highlands, nanny, come home, talk to my roommate, sleep. am i just going through motions? perhaps that is why i’m so unsure of myself as an individual.
so now i call out to you spontaneous folks and go doer types. you are my example. let my next steps be steps off the normal path. let my next dance be one to a different beat of a drum. i want to become me in freedom.